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"content": "<a class=\"u-url mention\" href=\"https://www.minds.com/kestrel_black\" target=\"_blank\">@kestrel_black</a><br /><br />So here we go, I am typing this in google docs for now. Not quite ready to reappear anywhere again but I guess I have to be honest with myself and with you as well. Therefore as always, this will be slightly disjointed, maybe. I will post the final draft of this in our place but I don’t know when yet, I just can’t log in and face the backlog of everything even if it is wholesome.<br /><br />So yeah I am not doing well, quite clearly from a distance perhaps but not so obvious from over here. After many weeks lost and looking at the calendar, perpetually surprised by the dates I am seeing I have to face it - I got lost in the void of escapism and nonexistence. Many possible reasons why I ended up like this again but that is somewhat irrelevant for now.<br /><br />Now bear with me - you remember, I have had this australian friend Raz for years now, good lad, very broken but a good lad anyway. He had a tough life, sometimes he is doing better, sometimes he is doing worse. Over the years I have had dozens of long conversations with him over a call but the sad part is that he doesn’t remember half of them. I do my best and I wish him the best but I also know he is not my responsibility. But there were times I feel like if I didn’t show up in the middle of the night maybe things could end up badly.<br /><br />Thing is that it is a cyclical repeating process, he always says the same shit, I always say the same responses, it is somewhat draining when it is a live call not a message I type. <br /><br />And earlier this year I caught myself avoiding the guy, I just find this cycle too exhausting but still - he is a good man but what else can I do from across the planet, especially during those nights when he spirals down so bad that he refuses to listen to a single sentence I say because he literally interrupts me before I get to finish my thought and talks over me while I look at the watch and wonder how long will this rant last. I wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t so repetitive, same topics, same words every damn time until I started to pretend more or less that I am offline or just can’t be on now for whatever reason. I mean fucking hell I deleted my VRC account partially because of that, 600 hours logged in. <br /><br />You might remember but in case I never told this story, I was there before, when I was 17 years old. My friend Gerard was spiraling down so bad he stopped attending to basic hygiene, smelled so bad I didn’t want to let him in and I was the last one who opened the door to hear out all his delusions until I just couldn’t deal with anymore. I started to pretend I was not at home when he came over, we lived in the same block, it was just too much at the time. Turns out I was the last one who has seen him alive, through the peephole of my apartment door when he walked away. <br /><br />Then a few years ago I had Brock for whom I got the couch in the living room because we planned so many trips together and he showed me a couch in his Canadian living room where my designated spot was if I ever wanted to hit the Rocky mountains. This you was sneakier but in hindsight I dropped the ball and I should have noticed that shit was bad on his side, I found out he is dead half a year later after an unpleasant investigation. <br /><br />But here is the thing. I am absolutely NOT at risk of anything like that, there is no chance and I promise you, nothing like that will happen, I can’t afford this. <br /><br />But it got me thinking. <br />What the fuck am I doing. Why do I disappear so much so often these days, yes, my life has been somewhat dynamic this year but it doesn’t explain everything. Then it hit me, quite possibly for the second time because I have a mild deja vu when typing this, feels like I said it before but in a less sober state. <br /><br />Over the years I dropped some heavy ordnance on you and I feel like I just don’t want to be Raz, I don’t want to be Gerard, I want to provide solutions, not problems, alternatively some entertainment. But I am lying to myself, I am absolutely not doing ok, I am far from it. I don’t know how to fix this but it is not your responsibility to try to provide solutions either. <br />As a result I think I subconsciously attempt to disappear until “I fix this” and hope to return as the man I was. <br /><br />We both know how great it works. It is a disaster indeed.<br />What feels like a day to me is probably a week to you. Long story why but still, it is a fact. <br /><br />I could go into great detail into how weird my current life is, both good and bad but for now that is irrelevant, the pattern has been there for years now but it seems to have gotten out of control again. <br />I am playing catch up endlessly with basically everyone I know and my own life as well. One day I wake up on Monday, I make dinner and it is Friday, I have no fucking clue what was I doing in the meantime. Again - not your problem to fix, that is on me. I am just trying to explain why I keep everyone on read and sadly that includes you. <br /><br />Sometimes I find a new song I want to send you but it only reminds me of how many unanswered questions I have in the backlog, how many stories to tell and somehow it overwhelms me so I go back to sleep. Recently I broke my alltime personal nap record, 16 hours straight. I’m just very tired and what is left of my energy gets eaten up by maintaining the facade of me masking in real life. I mean recently my father got remarried, that was a draining experience even though I support it.<br /><br />No I am not back to dating by the way, you were right, I just shouldn’t, I learned my lesson after Alba. I am 40 years old, I had my fun in life, for the foreseeable future I will do my best to never do that again, I am better on my own. So the midlife crisis problems are no longer a factor.<br /><br />My memory is so hazy these days that I can’t even compile a new pack of songs for you because I don’t remember what did I send and what is old news.<br /><br />That being said, again, I am NOT at any risk over here, I know I need to stay alive and there is literally no other option so do not worry about such nonsense. I am just still a pile of unresolved issues being buried under a mound of escapist behavior but more like mentally checking out because I no longer enjoy getting hammered so I just zone out instead these days. I found safety in imagination which keeps me safe and ever so slightly healthy but I am done for when it comes to having any form of strength to face my future which looks more bleak every day. <br /><br />I bought myself a new pair of shoes lately, that was nice.<br />England was awesome but it still feels like catching a lighting in a glass jar for a hot minute. <br /><br /><br />I got off the rails again, I will re read what I typed later and then I will post it in our place without reading anything else. This is because guilt is eating me away and I don’t know yet how to provide what you deserve back. There is a part of me fearing that you would be rightfully pissed off at me, very justified which is why I type this google doc now because sometimes I am a coward. <br /><br />Overall I am alive and safe but I just, how do I put it - I need a new life but I don’t know how to get it yet, I will figure it out eventually so don’t worry. But for now I am in such a lockdown mentally that I don’t even dare to open my whatsapp because putting on all them masks on is too difficult. <br /><br />That being said, I have mastered trench warfare so I am not giving up my position, I am not going to be a problem, even if the price is me evaporating into nothingness from time to time. Like I said - zero risk here, I got this. I just can’t do much more these days even if I often want to. <br /><br />And again, I genuinely apologize for the way I am this year. I wish I knew what to do about it but it is on me to figure it out. I just need to stop being so tired all the time and step up, land back in the reality again. <br />Like I said before - I miss the rage of the old days when I completely lost my shit, started drinking like a tank and being creative as fuck. But I can’t be going back to that. I need to start liking things on my own again.<br /><br />My my those eyes like fire.<br /><br />I low key miss that but it is haram now, however the song describes precisely what I should avoid. I owe it to you and a few other people who maybe noticed my absence, I should unfuck myself and come back. <br /><br />Still a fucking great song tho. <br /><br /><a href=\"https://youtu.be/vFHBOKa_ZG0\" target=\"_blank\">https://youtu.be/vFHBOKa_ZG0</a><br /><br /><br /><br />",
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"published": "2023-06-19T22:55:22+00:00",
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"content": "@kestrel_black\n\nSo here we go, I am typing this in google docs for now. Not quite ready to reappear anywhere again but I guess I have to be honest with myself and with you as well. Therefore as always, this will be slightly disjointed, maybe. I will post the final draft of this in our place but I don’t know when yet, I just can’t log in and face the backlog of everything even if it is wholesome.\n\nSo yeah I am not doing well, quite clearly from a distance perhaps but not so obvious from over here. After many weeks lost and looking at the calendar, perpetually surprised by the dates I am seeing I have to face it - I got lost in the void of escapism and nonexistence. Many possible reasons why I ended up like this again but that is somewhat irrelevant for now.\n\nNow bear with me - you remember, I have had this australian friend Raz for years now, good lad, very broken but a good lad anyway. He had a tough life, sometimes he is doing better, sometimes he is doing worse. Over the years I have had dozens of long conversations with him over a call but the sad part is that he doesn’t remember half of them. I do my best and I wish him the best but I also know he is not my responsibility. But there were times I feel like if I didn’t show up in the middle of the night maybe things could end up badly.\n\nThing is that it is a cyclical repeating process, he always says the same shit, I always say the same responses, it is somewhat draining when it is a live call not a message I type. \n\nAnd earlier this year I caught myself avoiding the guy, I just find this cycle too exhausting but still - he is a good man but what else can I do from across the planet, especially during those nights when he spirals down so bad that he refuses to listen to a single sentence I say because he literally interrupts me before I get to finish my thought and talks over me while I look at the watch and wonder how long will this rant last. I wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t so repetitive, same topics, same words every damn time until I started to pretend more or less that I am offline or just can’t be on now for whatever reason. I mean fucking hell I deleted my VRC account partially because of that, 600 hours logged in. \n\nYou might remember but in case I never told this story, I was there before, when I was 17 years old. My friend Gerard was spiraling down so bad he stopped attending to basic hygiene, smelled so bad I didn’t want to let him in and I was the last one who opened the door to hear out all his delusions until I just couldn’t deal with anymore. I started to pretend I was not at home when he came over, we lived in the same block, it was just too much at the time. Turns out I was the last one who has seen him alive, through the peephole of my apartment door when he walked away. \n\nThen a few years ago I had Brock for whom I got the couch in the living room because we planned so many trips together and he showed me a couch in his Canadian living room where my designated spot was if I ever wanted to hit the Rocky mountains. This you was sneakier but in hindsight I dropped the ball and I should have noticed that shit was bad on his side, I found out he is dead half a year later after an unpleasant investigation. \n\nBut here is the thing. I am absolutely NOT at risk of anything like that, there is no chance and I promise you, nothing like that will happen, I can’t afford this. \n\nBut it got me thinking. \nWhat the fuck am I doing. Why do I disappear so much so often these days, yes, my life has been somewhat dynamic this year but it doesn’t explain everything. Then it hit me, quite possibly for the second time because I have a mild deja vu when typing this, feels like I said it before but in a less sober state. \n\nOver the years I dropped some heavy ordnance on you and I feel like I just don’t want to be Raz, I don’t want to be Gerard, I want to provide solutions, not problems, alternatively some entertainment. But I am lying to myself, I am absolutely not doing ok, I am far from it. I don’t know how to fix this but it is not your responsibility to try to provide solutions either. \nAs a result I think I subconsciously attempt to disappear until “I fix this” and hope to return as the man I was. \n\nWe both know how great it works. It is a disaster indeed.\nWhat feels like a day to me is probably a week to you. Long story why but still, it is a fact. \n\nI could go into great detail into how weird my current life is, both good and bad but for now that is irrelevant, the pattern has been there for years now but it seems to have gotten out of control again. \nI am playing catch up endlessly with basically everyone I know and my own life as well. One day I wake up on Monday, I make dinner and it is Friday, I have no fucking clue what was I doing in the meantime. Again - not your problem to fix, that is on me. I am just trying to explain why I keep everyone on read and sadly that includes you. \n\nSometimes I find a new song I want to send you but it only reminds me of how many unanswered questions I have in the backlog, how many stories to tell and somehow it overwhelms me so I go back to sleep. Recently I broke my alltime personal nap record, 16 hours straight. I’m just very tired and what is left of my energy gets eaten up by maintaining the facade of me masking in real life. I mean recently my father got remarried, that was a draining experience even though I support it.\n\nNo I am not back to dating by the way, you were right, I just shouldn’t, I learned my lesson after Alba. I am 40 years old, I had my fun in life, for the foreseeable future I will do my best to never do that again, I am better on my own. So the midlife crisis problems are no longer a factor.\n\nMy memory is so hazy these days that I can’t even compile a new pack of songs for you because I don’t remember what did I send and what is old news.\n\nThat being said, again, I am NOT at any risk over here, I know I need to stay alive and there is literally no other option so do not worry about such nonsense. I am just still a pile of unresolved issues being buried under a mound of escapist behavior but more like mentally checking out because I no longer enjoy getting hammered so I just zone out instead these days. I found safety in imagination which keeps me safe and ever so slightly healthy but I am done for when it comes to having any form of strength to face my future which looks more bleak every day. \n\nI bought myself a new pair of shoes lately, that was nice.\nEngland was awesome but it still feels like catching a lighting in a glass jar for a hot minute. \n\n\nI got off the rails again, I will re read what I typed later and then I will post it in our place without reading anything else. This is because guilt is eating me away and I don’t know yet how to provide what you deserve back. There is a part of me fearing that you would be rightfully pissed off at me, very justified which is why I type this google doc now because sometimes I am a coward. \n\nOverall I am alive and safe but I just, how do I put it - I need a new life but I don’t know how to get it yet, I will figure it out eventually so don’t worry. But for now I am in such a lockdown mentally that I don’t even dare to open my whatsapp because putting on all them masks on is too difficult. \n\nThat being said, I have mastered trench warfare so I am not giving up my position, I am not going to be a problem, even if the price is me evaporating into nothingness from time to time. Like I said - zero risk here, I got this. I just can’t do much more these days even if I often want to. \n\nAnd again, I genuinely apologize for the way I am this year. I wish I knew what to do about it but it is on me to figure it out. I just need to stop being so tired all the time and step up, land back in the reality again. \nLike I said before - I miss the rage of the old days when I completely lost my shit, started drinking like a tank and being creative as fuck. But I can’t be going back to that. I need to start liking things on my own again.\n\nMy my those eyes like fire.\n\nI low key miss that but it is haram now, however the song describes precisely what I should avoid. I owe it to you and a few other people who maybe noticed my absence, I should unfuck myself and come back. \n\nStill a fucking great song tho. \n\nhttps://youtu.be/vFHBOKa_ZG0\n\n\n\n",
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"content": "God I hate this website, but I decided to commit, I found every single response I want to address and I will turn it into a new post or else it will become too overwhelming for me again. After I do that I will look at the music links and review them accordingly and I will NOT plan beyond that or else it will become a gargantuan task for me for absolutely no fucking reason. I am just very unstable lately for so many reasons, good and bad. <br /><br />But as a proof of life, my latest bout of insomnia led me to tiktok at 5 AM again and then I stumbled upon this song, I have no fucking clue what is it about but I immediately thought you might like it, I dig it a lot so maybe you will too<br /><br /><a href=\"https://youtu.be/MY5Lj4tiV9w\" target=\"_blank\">https://youtu.be/MY5Lj4tiV9w</a> <br /><br />",
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"published": "2023-05-27T00:32:24+00:00",
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"content": "God I hate this website, but I decided to commit, I found every single response I want to address and I will turn it into a new post or else it will become too overwhelming for me again. After I do that I will look at the music links and review them accordingly and I will NOT plan beyond that or else it will become a gargantuan task for me for absolutely no fucking reason. I am just very unstable lately for so many reasons, good and bad. \n\nBut as a proof of life, my latest bout of insomnia led me to tiktok at 5 AM again and then I stumbled upon this song, I have no fucking clue what is it about but I immediately thought you might like it, I dig it a lot so maybe you will too\n\nhttps://youtu.be/MY5Lj4tiV9w \n\n",
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"content": "I can't read any messages because I fucked up with my internet bills and hopefully tomorrow it will be all back. <br /><br />But what I can do is send the most amusing part of my absence, Emily created this. I have many stories to tell, good ones and bad ones, things got hyper good and super dark at times. But this was the good essence. The lad with the glasses who is built like a fucking tank is my man Rodney.<br /><br />More to come but it all started with this one song over a year ago. <br /><br /> <a href=\"https://www.minds.com/newsfeed/1507492109538562054\" target=\"_blank\">https://www.minds.com/newsfeed/1507492109538562054</a>",
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"published": "2023-05-22T21:15:25+00:00",
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"content": "I can't read any messages because I fucked up with my internet bills and hopefully tomorrow it will be all back. \n\nBut what I can do is send the most amusing part of my absence, Emily created this. I have many stories to tell, good ones and bad ones, things got hyper good and super dark at times. But this was the good essence. The lad with the glasses who is built like a fucking tank is my man Rodney.\n\nMore to come but it all started with this one song over a year ago. \n\n https://www.minds.com/newsfeed/1507492109538562054",
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"content": "Many stories to tell in time, I promise I will be back soon. It's been... wild. Good and bad, sometimes exhausting. I am very tired still but alive. <br /><br />Like I said last time, sometimes I go on rather extensive adventures. They give me good thoughts and bad thoughts at the same time but I am still here. Thing is that I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be elsewhere, just not sure where that is yet.<br /><br />Tomorrow I will be 40 years old, feels weird in a way. I am not anywhere close to where I am supposed to be but I guess I am glad to know that for sure now. <br /><br />Many stories soon. Mostly good I guess but I absolutely flatlined my capacity of well, anything to be honest. Getting out of the hole now after a period of unprecedented activity, brain broke I think. I'll recover over time but I can't afford to go back to what I was before, time to figure out where am I going. I can't stay here anymore, I am so fucking done. Many changes need to happen but first I need to get out of bed in which I landed permanently after I came back, this right here just ain't it anymore. Time will tell.<br /><br /><a href=\"https://youtu.be/odvaxcSbeLM\" target=\"_blank\">https://youtu.be/odvaxcSbeLM</a> ",
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"published": "2023-05-09T00:24:38+00:00",
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"content": "Many stories to tell in time, I promise I will be back soon. It's been... wild. Good and bad, sometimes exhausting. I am very tired still but alive. \n\nLike I said last time, sometimes I go on rather extensive adventures. They give me good thoughts and bad thoughts at the same time but I am still here. Thing is that I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be elsewhere, just not sure where that is yet.\n\nTomorrow I will be 40 years old, feels weird in a way. I am not anywhere close to where I am supposed to be but I guess I am glad to know that for sure now. \n\nMany stories soon. Mostly good I guess but I absolutely flatlined my capacity of well, anything to be honest. Getting out of the hole now after a period of unprecedented activity, brain broke I think. I'll recover over time but I can't afford to go back to what I was before, time to figure out where am I going. I can't stay here anymore, I am so fucking done. Many changes need to happen but first I need to get out of bed in which I landed permanently after I came back, this right here just ain't it anymore. Time will tell.\n\nhttps://youtu.be/odvaxcSbeLM ",
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"content": "I hope you're doing well, just checking in. Don't have much to say other than I am relatively fine and still alive so all things considering it's a success. Don't really have any more updates, just letting you know I am still here. Processing a thing or two still but all is grand. Buying new clothes for the first time in 3 years, copped me a pair of new shoes recently and they make me unreasonably happy, I forgot the tiny joys in life I guess. First time ever I got Vans, the hype was real, so well made and so comfortable, who knew! <br /><br />One step at a time. Excited about my Birmingham trip, did I mention it yet? In case I didn't - I am going to England in late April to meet up with Emily and Callum but it is mostly to assist with unfucking a thing with Tave and her sort of ex girlfriend so it is mostly planned as me and Tave being mildly hammered to either celebrate or mourn something, she flying over from Florida for this and we join forces. It's going to be fun either way, I forgot what it feels like to have a life to be honest. <br /><br />Haven't been on a plane since about 2006 as well so it is so odd to consider that half of the shit I carry daily is considered to be a weapon of mass destruction in UK, what a weird place I swear to all gods. <br /><br />Anyway, focusing on good times ahead and trying not to overthink recent losses. I hope everything is grand on your side too",
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"published": "2023-02-26T03:30:59+00:00",
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"content": "I hope you're doing well, just checking in. Don't have much to say other than I am relatively fine and still alive so all things considering it's a success. Don't really have any more updates, just letting you know I am still here. Processing a thing or two still but all is grand. Buying new clothes for the first time in 3 years, copped me a pair of new shoes recently and they make me unreasonably happy, I forgot the tiny joys in life I guess. First time ever I got Vans, the hype was real, so well made and so comfortable, who knew! \n\nOne step at a time. Excited about my Birmingham trip, did I mention it yet? In case I didn't - I am going to England in late April to meet up with Emily and Callum but it is mostly to assist with unfucking a thing with Tave and her sort of ex girlfriend so it is mostly planned as me and Tave being mildly hammered to either celebrate or mourn something, she flying over from Florida for this and we join forces. It's going to be fun either way, I forgot what it feels like to have a life to be honest. \n\nHaven't been on a plane since about 2006 as well so it is so odd to consider that half of the shit I carry daily is considered to be a weapon of mass destruction in UK, what a weird place I swear to all gods. \n\nAnyway, focusing on good times ahead and trying not to overthink recent losses. I hope everything is grand on your side too",
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"content": "I listened to the songs, will review soon, I am just so fucking exhausted but thank you. I don't want to pollute the thread before I do that tho so hopefully I am starting this one and will add more soon.<br /><br />But this song was the soundtrack for the time when I was gone. I am alive and will survive but holy fuck, never in my life have I had a situation when someone wants to end things because she started to feel too much for me and got scared by it. She literally told me that she got terrified by how obsessed we both became. Fair enough but the full story is not that simple. <br />I told her initially that I will ram through all her defences and she was like - oh really, show me. So I did. <br /><br />I guess the rest of the story is in those lyrics:<br /><br /><a href=\"https://youtu.be/WvmUZGS92c0\" target=\"_blank\">https://youtu.be/WvmUZGS92c0</a> <br /><br />I will continue tomorrow or this weekend. Still bleeding, I got further than I ever did in life, it was a glorious battle and by gods, I pulled off the impossible. I just got rug pulled at the end of it, fueled by fear.<br /><br />It's not over yet but mostly done. I was so fucking close, I literally heard her falling in love with me until all her paranoia kicked in and then she was gone just like that.<br /><br />More songs soon.",
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"content": "I listened to the songs, will review soon, I am just so fucking exhausted but thank you. I don't want to pollute the thread before I do that tho so hopefully I am starting this one and will add more soon.\n\nBut this song was the soundtrack for the time when I was gone. I am alive and will survive but holy fuck, never in my life have I had a situation when someone wants to end things because she started to feel too much for me and got scared by it. She literally told me that she got terrified by how obsessed we both became. Fair enough but the full story is not that simple. \nI told her initially that I will ram through all her defences and she was like - oh really, show me. So I did. \n\nI guess the rest of the story is in those lyrics:\n\nhttps://youtu.be/WvmUZGS92c0 \n\nI will continue tomorrow or this weekend. Still bleeding, I got further than I ever did in life, it was a glorious battle and by gods, I pulled off the impossible. I just got rug pulled at the end of it, fueled by fear.\n\nIt's not over yet but mostly done. I was so fucking close, I literally heard her falling in love with me until all her paranoia kicked in and then she was gone just like that.\n\nMore songs soon.",
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"content": "Kept you waiting huh. <br />Yeah, the classic Metal Gear Solid quote that seems to fit more nowadays than ever.<br /><br />I will catch up with everything, I have threads saved I was thinking about, I will soon look at all the rest of it I promise.<br /><br />But holy fuck. <br /><br />It would take me ages to explain what have I gotten myself into so I will attempt to do a TLDR.<br /><br />As you know I made mistakes in the past, I got caught in some traps, there was the Vivian incident as well which taught me a lot. However all of them had a common running theme - people seeking people. If one were to flip the table and turn the baseline into \"people avoiding people\" it leads to social isolation and conflicts and whatnot. This will be explained in the future however my current timeline is not only unlike anything I have ever experienced but also never heard about from any other source. Had it been a TV show I'd say that the writers need to lay off cocaine, the absolute ridiculousness of it all is absolutely absurd. <br /><br />Neither of us know what the fuck is happening, we are both paranoid and super skeptical about it but it looks like every fucking week it is getting exponentially crazier. At least once every two days we promise ourselves that this is a really bad idea and talk about ten thousand reasons why we are adults and we know better and none of us asked for any of this. Absolute 100% raw honesty, real facts, no bullshit, all cards on the table, literally the exact opposite of courting or even attempting anything.<br /><br />But it is undeniable that some sort of an insane crackhead energy bond has formed because shit got ridiculous, we both attempt to tone it down and be real why this is lunacy. But the fact remains that because of ten thousand reasons the weirdest attachement happened which results with us being on call for up to 16 hours a day. Yes you read that right - apart from the time when she is working (we text then) we are constantly connected through voice, that includes grocery shopping and also sleeping like that. Yep. <br />Today I woke up earlier and I heard she is still sleeping, once she started moving I said good morning and she said that today I was snoring apparently.<br /><br />Fucking madness. For months now we tried to convince each other that none of us want anything because well, nobody asked for any of this and we are both paranoid lunatics who avoided interactions like that with anyone for ages because of a hundred reasons. <br /><br /><br />I mean this is just a tip of the iceberg obviously, I am just giving an abstract but gods help us all. We both know how insanely dangerous this is, chances are someone will end up badly damaged after this.<br /><br />However when I look at my big data logically and run the numbers I'd say - fuck it, this is a high stakes poker game in Dubai now, untold millions are on the table. My strats and cards seem to have about 70% chance of biggest win ever, remaining 30% is stepping on an anti tank mine and getting blown up into atoms. <br /><br />But I thought about it for a long time when being in a right headspace and I had to be honest with myself. I have never seen anything like that ever before, I am almost 40. I still have my nuke button I can press if this explodes so that at least I can emergency launch myself out of it alive even if somewhat crippled in the end. But it is either trying or living the rest of my years wondering what life could be like asking myself \"what if that one time I actually tried and risked it all instead of remaining buried in my bunker of paranoia\".<br /><br />Yeah I know this is vague as fuck but it is the best I can do for now. I don't even know what more to say to be honest. In every other case it was getting infatuated with a woman who got \"drunk\" on me being me, especially Vivian. <br /><br />This is kind of the opposite of that. She is terrified of the idea of me and I feel like I am playing russian roulette. The sentence \"too good to be true\" comes up a lot and dozens of attempts of disproving it were made and it will be questioned dozens more times. However it is like we're two versions of the same person in all possible aspects of life, even past experiences. <br /><br />I don't know, I have to try, at least for science. I expect one or two more issues that will blow up eventually so I need to test this out but fucking hell, one in a lifetime case when I can see something so risky but I know that I would not forgive myself if I didn't armor up and go in to investigate to find answers whatever they are.<br /><br />So yeah apologies for being this quiet, I am not on the moon as I was before, I entered some sort of alternate reality and ghosted everyone. And I happen to know she feels the same about it and did the exact same thing. I will do my best to provide more updates soonish, I'm sorry",
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"published": "2023-01-05T17:48:43+00:00",
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"content": "Kept you waiting huh. \nYeah, the classic Metal Gear Solid quote that seems to fit more nowadays than ever.\n\nI will catch up with everything, I have threads saved I was thinking about, I will soon look at all the rest of it I promise.\n\nBut holy fuck. \n\nIt would take me ages to explain what have I gotten myself into so I will attempt to do a TLDR.\n\nAs you know I made mistakes in the past, I got caught in some traps, there was the Vivian incident as well which taught me a lot. However all of them had a common running theme - people seeking people. If one were to flip the table and turn the baseline into \"people avoiding people\" it leads to social isolation and conflicts and whatnot. This will be explained in the future however my current timeline is not only unlike anything I have ever experienced but also never heard about from any other source. Had it been a TV show I'd say that the writers need to lay off cocaine, the absolute ridiculousness of it all is absolutely absurd. \n\nNeither of us know what the fuck is happening, we are both paranoid and super skeptical about it but it looks like every fucking week it is getting exponentially crazier. At least once every two days we promise ourselves that this is a really bad idea and talk about ten thousand reasons why we are adults and we know better and none of us asked for any of this. Absolute 100% raw honesty, real facts, no bullshit, all cards on the table, literally the exact opposite of courting or even attempting anything.\n\nBut it is undeniable that some sort of an insane crackhead energy bond has formed because shit got ridiculous, we both attempt to tone it down and be real why this is lunacy. But the fact remains that because of ten thousand reasons the weirdest attachement happened which results with us being on call for up to 16 hours a day. Yes you read that right - apart from the time when she is working (we text then) we are constantly connected through voice, that includes grocery shopping and also sleeping like that. Yep. \nToday I woke up earlier and I heard she is still sleeping, once she started moving I said good morning and she said that today I was snoring apparently.\n\nFucking madness. For months now we tried to convince each other that none of us want anything because well, nobody asked for any of this and we are both paranoid lunatics who avoided interactions like that with anyone for ages because of a hundred reasons. \n\n\nI mean this is just a tip of the iceberg obviously, I am just giving an abstract but gods help us all. We both know how insanely dangerous this is, chances are someone will end up badly damaged after this.\n\nHowever when I look at my big data logically and run the numbers I'd say - fuck it, this is a high stakes poker game in Dubai now, untold millions are on the table. My strats and cards seem to have about 70% chance of biggest win ever, remaining 30% is stepping on an anti tank mine and getting blown up into atoms. \n\nBut I thought about it for a long time when being in a right headspace and I had to be honest with myself. I have never seen anything like that ever before, I am almost 40. I still have my nuke button I can press if this explodes so that at least I can emergency launch myself out of it alive even if somewhat crippled in the end. But it is either trying or living the rest of my years wondering what life could be like asking myself \"what if that one time I actually tried and risked it all instead of remaining buried in my bunker of paranoia\".\n\nYeah I know this is vague as fuck but it is the best I can do for now. I don't even know what more to say to be honest. In every other case it was getting infatuated with a woman who got \"drunk\" on me being me, especially Vivian. \n\nThis is kind of the opposite of that. She is terrified of the idea of me and I feel like I am playing russian roulette. The sentence \"too good to be true\" comes up a lot and dozens of attempts of disproving it were made and it will be questioned dozens more times. However it is like we're two versions of the same person in all possible aspects of life, even past experiences. \n\nI don't know, I have to try, at least for science. I expect one or two more issues that will blow up eventually so I need to test this out but fucking hell, one in a lifetime case when I can see something so risky but I know that I would not forgive myself if I didn't armor up and go in to investigate to find answers whatever they are.\n\nSo yeah apologies for being this quiet, I am not on the moon as I was before, I entered some sort of alternate reality and ghosted everyone. And I happen to know she feels the same about it and did the exact same thing. I will do my best to provide more updates soonish, I'm sorry",
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"content": "I just had this thought and I am not sure what to think about it, it is completely fresh so I got up to type this, tell me what you think.<br /><br />What if there is a pattern. What if every time I am hurting I magically find some person that seems worthy of help. I am not talking about romantic terms, just vibes in general.<br /><br />What if I am in a bad place somehow I tend to find someone who needs my assistance, I patch them up and send them on their way because maybe what I do is being unable to do this for myself so I am \"scoring karma points\" or some shit like that, I don't know. Like if I do my thing and once I see them fly away I feel like somehow what worked for me? I would need to investigate more but tomorrow I will forget anyway so I decided to type this thought here.<br /><br />I never know if them wrecks are damaged beforehand, I just seem to connect with people I legit vibe with and once I spot an opening I do my thing and they always appreciate it so much because \"nobody else noticed\". <br /><br />It is entirely possible there can be a timing correlation of me doing that and me being severely down, I need to check to confirm. But it would make sense as a pattern, I just have no fucking clue what is this symptom associated with. I don't go running around saving everyone, a long time ago I learned how to politely ignore people in need if I don't know them.<br /><br />However on a rare occasion I connect with really cool people I vibe with for a prolonged period of time, then something unrelated makes me go down bad and it's like unlocking xray vision, I see things so I ask about those things and they are like - how the fuck did you spot that, thank you so much for noticing but wtf!<br /><br />So I do m thing and then they are mildly patched up, usually they fade away into distant lands and I am happy for them.<br /><br />But like - what the fuck am I doing? <br />Something set me off badly recently, irrelevant what it was and then I somehow obtained magic vision again and saw something secret in a relatively new friend of mine and she was like - jesus, you saw that? We talked about it for a while and she said this is so much appreciated, I said we good bro, I got you. <br /><br />But then it hit me - I do that don't I? <br /><br />I have absolutely no idea what to think about it. Just writing it down right now, I will hopefully read it tomorrow and think about it more. No I am not trying to save them all, I now vibe only with people I genuinely like and I am good at ignoring needy people. But why do I start seeing things when I am trying to escape bad thoughts of my own I can do nothing about?<br /><br />I might be a witch. Merry christmas btw and don't worry about it, I am not tagging you in these posts on purpose, focus on the xmas vibe and I wish nothing but absolute glory to your entire family. None of this is urgent in any way, I am just thinking out loud. <br />",
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"published": "2022-12-23T03:12:43+00:00",
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"content": "I just had this thought and I am not sure what to think about it, it is completely fresh so I got up to type this, tell me what you think.\n\nWhat if there is a pattern. What if every time I am hurting I magically find some person that seems worthy of help. I am not talking about romantic terms, just vibes in general.\n\nWhat if I am in a bad place somehow I tend to find someone who needs my assistance, I patch them up and send them on their way because maybe what I do is being unable to do this for myself so I am \"scoring karma points\" or some shit like that, I don't know. Like if I do my thing and once I see them fly away I feel like somehow what worked for me? I would need to investigate more but tomorrow I will forget anyway so I decided to type this thought here.\n\nI never know if them wrecks are damaged beforehand, I just seem to connect with people I legit vibe with and once I spot an opening I do my thing and they always appreciate it so much because \"nobody else noticed\". \n\nIt is entirely possible there can be a timing correlation of me doing that and me being severely down, I need to check to confirm. But it would make sense as a pattern, I just have no fucking clue what is this symptom associated with. I don't go running around saving everyone, a long time ago I learned how to politely ignore people in need if I don't know them.\n\nHowever on a rare occasion I connect with really cool people I vibe with for a prolonged period of time, then something unrelated makes me go down bad and it's like unlocking xray vision, I see things so I ask about those things and they are like - how the fuck did you spot that, thank you so much for noticing but wtf!\n\nSo I do m thing and then they are mildly patched up, usually they fade away into distant lands and I am happy for them.\n\nBut like - what the fuck am I doing? \nSomething set me off badly recently, irrelevant what it was and then I somehow obtained magic vision again and saw something secret in a relatively new friend of mine and she was like - jesus, you saw that? We talked about it for a while and she said this is so much appreciated, I said we good bro, I got you. \n\nBut then it hit me - I do that don't I? \n\nI have absolutely no idea what to think about it. Just writing it down right now, I will hopefully read it tomorrow and think about it more. No I am not trying to save them all, I now vibe only with people I genuinely like and I am good at ignoring needy people. But why do I start seeing things when I am trying to escape bad thoughts of my own I can do nothing about?\n\nI might be a witch. Merry christmas btw and don't worry about it, I am not tagging you in these posts on purpose, focus on the xmas vibe and I wish nothing but absolute glory to your entire family. None of this is urgent in any way, I am just thinking out loud. \n",
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"content": "Not gonna lie, I have never experienced anything like that or even observed a situation like that.<br /><br />None of us wanted anything, we were both hellbent on absolutely ignoring all types of romantic attention in all aspects of this type of a thing. I didn't ask for this, I was there to prove that I am not going to fall for anything because my past experiences taught me better. We've known each other for a bit over a year and I fucking bailed like three times officially and about five or more mentally, oh we had battles and I wanted so much to think she is \"one of those\" whatever that meant at any given moment. <br /><br />Somehow eventually we started to interact more in private and I have no idea why. Sometimes it was cool and wholesome, sometimes we got into a fight, she ghosted me many times and so did I. Then back to it, I call her out on all her bullshit I projected on her and she calls me on my bullshit, sometimes with scary good accuracy. <br /><br />So yeah we get on like that, time progresses, we start talking more and more even if both of us never asked for any of this, fuck me sweet jesus we done did our best to avoid those types of interactions. <br /><br />Then more weird shit came up, absolutely uncanny similarities of life experiences, life goals, overall vibes, liking similar things all the fucking time, from music to fashion even. Matching lifestyles, personalities, love language even and we both got more and more uncomfortable as we kept discovering it. We're also on a similarly paranoid mindset due to past experiences and trust issues coming from that. <br /><br />So like 70% of the time we tried to prove that the other one is either fake or \"too good to be true\". It was a fucking war zone but we are running out of ammo at this point and I guess we reached a stage where we are reluctantly agreeing that maybe we are both real people and this is not a trick. Slowly, very slowly, as it should be done. <br /><br />She is unlike anything I seen in life and you know it is not for the lack of options but you taught me well so I kept being super caged about it as long as I could, 300% skepticism mode, still in mild disbelief.<br /><br />She needs more time to process that I am actually me but clearly she can see it, it's more like a conversation between her and her, the internal argument. I am not in any rush so as long as this is a thing I will stick to it, if it backfires then I guess that's on me. <br /><br />But this witch even admitted that she paid uncanny amounts attention to me for way, way longer than I thought and I was fucking shocked when she said that 🤣<br /><br />I don't fucking know what we're doing but I feel like the courses are aligned and we are moving towards a certain destination. It is ok, I got time, as long as I can see we're trying to move where I think we're going then this is my opus magnum, this is the best imaginable outcome and I never had this vibe before in my entire life. Yeah I know, she is the most \"my type\" of a woman I ever seen but I refuse to be blinded by that, I pulled some bombshells in the past, not quite that level but I'd feel like I am sabotaging myself if I didn't go for it. <br /><br />She just needs to stop hating the fact that she likes me and I need to ensure she knows I actually am what I say I am, simple as, time be damned. <br /><br />Full circle now. Remember this song which I loved when I got wrecked by naivety and being oblivious? I hated it for years. Now it came back, hopefully because the opposite end of absolute paranoia and skepticism which happened because of the \"last time\" will take over and provide the results I wanted years ago. <br /><br /><a href=\"https://youtu.be/hOMeJi1yTQI\" target=\"_blank\">https://youtu.be/hOMeJi1yTQI</a> <br /><br />And I can be confident when saying that she is not like the \"beautiful trainwrecks\" that have been around me since forever, I learned to not pay attention to them and I am good at this now. This thing struggles with the fact that she actually wants me but doesn't want to admit it to herself however recently it became so damn obvious I realized that I have no choice, I am enlisted as the master of siege now. ",
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"content": "Not gonna lie, I have never experienced anything like that or even observed a situation like that.\n\nNone of us wanted anything, we were both hellbent on absolutely ignoring all types of romantic attention in all aspects of this type of a thing. I didn't ask for this, I was there to prove that I am not going to fall for anything because my past experiences taught me better. We've known each other for a bit over a year and I fucking bailed like three times officially and about five or more mentally, oh we had battles and I wanted so much to think she is \"one of those\" whatever that meant at any given moment. \n\nSomehow eventually we started to interact more in private and I have no idea why. Sometimes it was cool and wholesome, sometimes we got into a fight, she ghosted me many times and so did I. Then back to it, I call her out on all her bullshit I projected on her and she calls me on my bullshit, sometimes with scary good accuracy. \n\nSo yeah we get on like that, time progresses, we start talking more and more even if both of us never asked for any of this, fuck me sweet jesus we done did our best to avoid those types of interactions. \n\nThen more weird shit came up, absolutely uncanny similarities of life experiences, life goals, overall vibes, liking similar things all the fucking time, from music to fashion even. Matching lifestyles, personalities, love language even and we both got more and more uncomfortable as we kept discovering it. We're also on a similarly paranoid mindset due to past experiences and trust issues coming from that. \n\nSo like 70% of the time we tried to prove that the other one is either fake or \"too good to be true\". It was a fucking war zone but we are running out of ammo at this point and I guess we reached a stage where we are reluctantly agreeing that maybe we are both real people and this is not a trick. Slowly, very slowly, as it should be done. \n\nShe is unlike anything I seen in life and you know it is not for the lack of options but you taught me well so I kept being super caged about it as long as I could, 300% skepticism mode, still in mild disbelief.\n\nShe needs more time to process that I am actually me but clearly she can see it, it's more like a conversation between her and her, the internal argument. I am not in any rush so as long as this is a thing I will stick to it, if it backfires then I guess that's on me. \n\nBut this witch even admitted that she paid uncanny amounts attention to me for way, way longer than I thought and I was fucking shocked when she said that 🤣\n\nI don't fucking know what we're doing but I feel like the courses are aligned and we are moving towards a certain destination. It is ok, I got time, as long as I can see we're trying to move where I think we're going then this is my opus magnum, this is the best imaginable outcome and I never had this vibe before in my entire life. Yeah I know, she is the most \"my type\" of a woman I ever seen but I refuse to be blinded by that, I pulled some bombshells in the past, not quite that level but I'd feel like I am sabotaging myself if I didn't go for it. \n\nShe just needs to stop hating the fact that she likes me and I need to ensure she knows I actually am what I say I am, simple as, time be damned. \n\nFull circle now. Remember this song which I loved when I got wrecked by naivety and being oblivious? I hated it for years. Now it came back, hopefully because the opposite end of absolute paranoia and skepticism which happened because of the \"last time\" will take over and provide the results I wanted years ago. \n\nhttps://youtu.be/hOMeJi1yTQI \n\nAnd I can be confident when saying that she is not like the \"beautiful trainwrecks\" that have been around me since forever, I learned to not pay attention to them and I am good at this now. This thing struggles with the fact that she actually wants me but doesn't want to admit it to herself however recently it became so damn obvious I realized that I have no choice, I am enlisted as the master of siege now. ",
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"content": "Ok so updates with a few songs later in the comments.<br /><br />Things are going relatively ok for my standards. Recently I reconnected with my former collaborator Alex Hexagon because things didn't add up to me and I figured something out - turns out I was correct, he misread one big drama situation and thought I was a part of it. I am not back on the radio nor do I really want to be but I am back in the community and we good. It is nothing important but I just hate leaving loose threads untied, I don't mind people disliking me if the reasons are correct but I always knew something was not right there and I was correct, solving the riddle was a mild relief. <br /><br />Taming the wild beast from Ireland seems to be going well. We are back to talking a lot and I even received a cute photo of her freezing while having zero makeup on, it might sound stupid but it feels special, she is so damn cute! And she is really nice to me, seems to be more and more comfortable around me over time. <br /><br />Reconnected with miss Paranoid as well, she is back on the high wave and singing again, I sneakily recorded bits of a session we done did recently, like in the good old days, I will show you later but need to upload first. It is not the same, I know she is too flaky and not a person I could rely on for anything but at least we can vibe so that is good. <br /><br />Emily is doing very well, her life is still shaky due to family situation but Callum is the MVP legend and carries her through it all so overall she is very happy even tho she is not much online so our content plans will have to wait until they move in together somewhere in the beginning of next year.<br /><br />I got distracted and forgot what else I wanted to say so I will move on to posting some songs 🤣",
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"published": "2022-12-13T22:52:09+00:00",
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"content": "Ok so updates with a few songs later in the comments.\n\nThings are going relatively ok for my standards. Recently I reconnected with my former collaborator Alex Hexagon because things didn't add up to me and I figured something out - turns out I was correct, he misread one big drama situation and thought I was a part of it. I am not back on the radio nor do I really want to be but I am back in the community and we good. It is nothing important but I just hate leaving loose threads untied, I don't mind people disliking me if the reasons are correct but I always knew something was not right there and I was correct, solving the riddle was a mild relief. \n\nTaming the wild beast from Ireland seems to be going well. We are back to talking a lot and I even received a cute photo of her freezing while having zero makeup on, it might sound stupid but it feels special, she is so damn cute! And she is really nice to me, seems to be more and more comfortable around me over time. \n\nReconnected with miss Paranoid as well, she is back on the high wave and singing again, I sneakily recorded bits of a session we done did recently, like in the good old days, I will show you later but need to upload first. It is not the same, I know she is too flaky and not a person I could rely on for anything but at least we can vibe so that is good. \n\nEmily is doing very well, her life is still shaky due to family situation but Callum is the MVP legend and carries her through it all so overall she is very happy even tho she is not much online so our content plans will have to wait until they move in together somewhere in the beginning of next year.\n\nI got distracted and forgot what else I wanted to say so I will move on to posting some songs 🤣",
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"content": "So this is going to be a TLDR.<br /><br />I decided to take my sledgehammer to demolish that wall and my pickaxe to create precise holes and I went to work. Initially it was nothing but I kept hammering with my diplomat negotiator hat on, here are the bullet points in chronological order about what she said:<br /><br />- nothing is wrong man.<br /><br />- I am tired of people and explaining myself<br /><br />- how was I supposed to know what triggers you<br /><br />- Because I am so tired of men, so many people want something from me, so many stupid men are in my dms this is gross<br /><br />...<br /><br />- I want to focus on myself and it's like everyone sees me as a piece of meat, I went through too much and now you like me too much<br /><br />- I liked what we had but then it went quickly downhill<br /><br />- It went downhill because idk why I am opening up to you, that is a red flag <br /><br />(proceeds to open up even more)<br /><br />- I hate this and you could be one of those psycho men from the internet and I can't deal with this<br /><br />(opens up much more about life stuff and problems) <br /><br />- this hormonal issue I have is killing me and this time it is even longer than before, I need to see a doctor finally but I keep avoiding it but I know I say things I regret later<br /><br /><br />And basically after that back to out normal level of conversation about life, other problems, she calmed down and during all of this I explained all my points very carefully. <br /><br />So I guess I kinda guessed right, she told me that her hormonal shifts are a big issue and now she also has some chest infection and is dead on antibiotics. <br />Fucking hell I did god's work today, not sure what the result will be but at least I am calmer now and I got my explanations, I can't believe how much this bothered me. Took me 3 hours of mining but I found all the sources for now. <br /><br />The most interesting part is that she went into full panic and flight mode when she realized how much personal stuff she is sharing with me, this was a major factor, trust issues triggered so hard they exploded, I did not expect that. <br /><br />So yeah as of now this is where we are<br />",
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"published": "2022-11-25T17:45:29+00:00",
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"content": "So this is going to be a TLDR.\n\nI decided to take my sledgehammer to demolish that wall and my pickaxe to create precise holes and I went to work. Initially it was nothing but I kept hammering with my diplomat negotiator hat on, here are the bullet points in chronological order about what she said:\n\n- nothing is wrong man.\n\n- I am tired of people and explaining myself\n\n- how was I supposed to know what triggers you\n\n- Because I am so tired of men, so many people want something from me, so many stupid men are in my dms this is gross\n\n...\n\n- I want to focus on myself and it's like everyone sees me as a piece of meat, I went through too much and now you like me too much\n\n- I liked what we had but then it went quickly downhill\n\n- It went downhill because idk why I am opening up to you, that is a red flag \n\n(proceeds to open up even more)\n\n- I hate this and you could be one of those psycho men from the internet and I can't deal with this\n\n(opens up much more about life stuff and problems) \n\n- this hormonal issue I have is killing me and this time it is even longer than before, I need to see a doctor finally but I keep avoiding it but I know I say things I regret later\n\n\nAnd basically after that back to out normal level of conversation about life, other problems, she calmed down and during all of this I explained all my points very carefully. \n\nSo I guess I kinda guessed right, she told me that her hormonal shifts are a big issue and now she also has some chest infection and is dead on antibiotics. \nFucking hell I did god's work today, not sure what the result will be but at least I am calmer now and I got my explanations, I can't believe how much this bothered me. Took me 3 hours of mining but I found all the sources for now. \n\nThe most interesting part is that she went into full panic and flight mode when she realized how much personal stuff she is sharing with me, this was a major factor, trust issues triggered so hard they exploded, I did not expect that. \n\nSo yeah as of now this is where we are\n",
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"content": "5 hours long conversation she kinda baited me into.<br /><br /><br /><br />\"are you in love with me yet?\"<br /><br /><br />\"not yet girl but I might be on the edge, I want us to know each other more first but you are a glorious\"<br /><br />I am right now quite drunk. I will never cease to be stupid as fcuk. But I adorer her voice.<br /><br /><br />\"I want to avoid relationships so much now so you you shut up\"<br /><br />\"girl once i get a green light I go and there is no coming back\"<br /><br /><br /><a href=\"https://youtu.be/7b4iCpp45gM\" target=\"_blank\">https://youtu.be/7b4iCpp45gM</a>",
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"published": "2022-11-21T04:19:52+00:00",
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"content": "5 hours long conversation she kinda baited me into.\n\n\n\n\"are you in love with me yet?\"\n\n\n\"not yet girl but I might be on the edge, I want us to know each other more first but you are a glorious\"\n\nI am right now quite drunk. I will never cease to be stupid as fcuk. But I adorer her voice.\n\n\n\"I want to avoid relationships so much now so you you shut up\"\n\n\"girl once i get a green light I go and there is no coming back\"\n\n\nhttps://youtu.be/7b4iCpp45gM",
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"content": "You know this one but probably forgot it exists, from that time when we was young but I still love this album, somehow it is always current era music<br /><br /><a href=\"https://youtu.be/Z6QjtB0TRNg\" target=\"_blank\">https://youtu.be/Z6QjtB0TRNg</a> <br />",
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"published": "2022-11-16T18:52:03+00:00",
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"content": "You know this one but probably forgot it exists, from that time when we was young but I still love this album, somehow it is always current era music\n\nhttps://youtu.be/Z6QjtB0TRNg \n",
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