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"summary": "Weight loss and #LessAllie2024 - the personal",
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"published": "2024-01-01T04:59:15Z",
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"content": "<p>Over a decade ago, I got stuck into a keto diet at my doctor's recommendation, with weekly check-ins with him. I made videos that I posted to YouTube, I listened to a fantastic podcast that taught me a lot about losing weight in a healthy way, and the importance of weight training and lean muscle.</p><p>I *know* how to lose weight. I lost weight, and got down to 108kg (238lbs). That was less than I weighed in high school. I'd started at 174.8kg (385lbs).</p><p>Yet when I looked in the mirror, I couldn't see a difference.</p><p>Not long after hitting that weight, I hurt my back badly while we were moving house, with the end result being that I put on 32kgs, and my weight hovered around 140kg (309lbs) for many years.</p><p>The problem is that eating has always been my main coping mechanism. In that same period of time, I was trying to come to terms with my <a href=\"https://aus.social/tags/GenderDysphoria\" class=\"mention hashtag\" rel=\"tag\">#<span>GenderDysphoria</span></a>, and find a cure for it. I used food (and for a long time, alcohol) to numb the pain. My weight crept back up until I hit a plateau of around 160-165kg (353-364lbs).</p><p>When I had the breakdown in 2020, I lost a whole lot of weight dropping back down to just under 140kg for six months because I just wasn't eating, and the meds weren't helping, until Duloxetine, which fixed my brain within two weeks.</p><p>I also gained 20kgs (44lbs) in 4 months(!), which brought me back to that 160-165kg plateau.</p><p>It's hard on my body to carry that much weight, particularly on my heart (hello high blood pressure!) but above all else, that fat is distributed in an explicitly male-coded way, which is a huge <a href=\"https://aus.social/tags/GenderDysphoria\" class=\"mention hashtag\" rel=\"tag\">#<span>GenderDysphoria</span></a> trigger for me.</p><p>It also means that I can't buy or wear any cute clothes that I like, because they don't fit properly, which becomes a vicious dysphoria circle.</p><p><a href=\"https://aus.social/tags/HRT\" class=\"mention hashtag\" rel=\"tag\">#<span>HRT</span></a> should cause some fat redistribution over time, with my body becoming more female shaped, but there are no guarantees for how that will turn out, if at all.</p><p>That moment when I looked in the mirror and I couldn't see any difference in my body between my start weight and 108kgs? That was retroactively diagnosed as body dysmorphia by my psychologist (on top of the gender dysphoria, yay!).</p><p>My "eating-to-cope" is not just a coping mechanism. It's Binge Eating Disorder. Again, that was a formal diagnosis.</p><p>These are both things I'm working on with my psychologist.</p><p>Please understand that my reasons for losing weight and not ones I'm willing to debate. I understand fat acceptance, and HAES (Health At Every Size), but this is a deep and complex issue for me.</p><p>If this is the kind of thing you find triggering, please don't read it. Please mute it.</p><p><a href=\"https://aus.social/tags/Project365\" class=\"mention hashtag\" rel=\"tag\">#<span>Project365</span></a> <a href=\"https://aus.social/tags/2024Project\" class=\"mention hashtag\" rel=\"tag\">#<span>2024Project</span></a> <a href=\"https://aus.social/tags/2024HealthProject\" class=\"mention hashtag\" rel=\"tag\">#<span>2024HealthProject</span></a> <a href=\"https://aus.social/tags/LessAllie2024\" class=\"mention hashtag\" rel=\"tag\">#<span>LessAllie2024</span></a></p>",
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